Despite being able to travel and attend a convention, the pandemic is still a reality. As a result, there isn't much socializing. Evenings are pretty free. In a first, I have used Uber Eats to order supper every evening. Being on my own for a day or two is usually a nice break. But beyond that, I begin to miss my wife, my children, my co-workers, etc.
This week highlighted for me how much I need the people in my life, beginning with my wife. I guess being married for nearly 28 years cements a deep bond. When we're apart for extended periods, sappy as it sounds, it's like a part of me is missing- the best part. I could wax eloquently about what I miss when we're apart but that important thing, it seems to me, is to learn to cherish her more when we're together. If there's one thing I don't do well it's being alone for days. Another thing I find difficult is having a lot of free time. By myself and unencumbered by daily demands I tend to languish.
To start with a slightly critical point, "languishing" has become something a buzzword used to describe what a lot of people are feeling due to the disruption of social patterns caused by the pandemic. The dictionary definition of "languish" is to lose vitality or even growing weak and feeble. My guess is, languishing is the term of choice because it stops short of depression, especially clinical (i.e., diagnosed) depression. In that regard, I suppose it suits this purpose.
Languishing is a precarious predicament for me, there are some potential pitfalls. One is too much introspection and the other is what I might do to distract myself so I don't become overly introspective. A personal challenge moving forward is to have free time and to use it well, to both plan and then enjoy the time without mentally burdening myself with the other things I "should" be doing. It's easy to put all my eggs in the basket of work and to gauge my own worth by how much I get done and accomplish. Theoretically, I completely get the need to have unproductive time and to recreate. Practically, it's a different story.
One of the results of having a lot to do, completing it, and then doing more is that it starts to seem to me that my worth to other people is calculated by what I do for them. In all honesty, that is my relationship with some people. This is alright because it is the nature of some relationships, like professional ones.
Even professional relationships shouldn't be exclusively defined in such a pragmatic and calculating way. It's when every relationship starts to seem that way to me that it becomes problematic. Being in ministry definitely exacerbates this issue. As a deacon, I exist to help and serve others unselfishly without expecting anything in return. This gets back to compartmentalization except understood as healthy boundaries.
Especially for middle-aged men, building genuine friendships isn't easy. Even setting out to intentionally live an integrated life, it seems to almost be the nature of late modernity to compartmentalize the various aspects of life. There is probably even some necessity to do this to some extent.
I also need to keep in mind that the need and desire for friendship render me vulnerable in certain ways. There are those who can take advantage of those vulnerabilities, even if in so doing they're quite unaware. In their "giving," they are really taking. As long as I know I am giving and not expecting anything, this can be okay. Knowing what's what matters. Life requires discernment, which often occurs after-the-fact. It should go without saying, but doesn't, that I only experience things from my perspective. As important as it is to try to broaden my perspective, I really only know how it seems to me.
Understandably and by necessity, there are limits to how much most care for you. In truth, there are precious few people who care about me, or any of us, completely, in season and out, good days and bad days, fair weather and foul weather. Therefore, it's important to cherish the few people who care completely. Being human, even on our best days and, again, without perhaps knowing it, we relate to others on the basis of mixed and mixed-up motives. I certainly don't exclude myself from this.
Living as we do in an alienating and alienated culture and society, our longing for someone who cares about us not just always but completely and totally and without condition reveals the transcendent dimension of our humanity.
Earlier this week, a friend posted an article on languishing by an organizational psychologist, Adam Grant: "There’s a Name for the Blah You’re Feeling: It’s Called Languishing." Grant provides the closest thing to a tidy conclusion: "The lesson of this simple idea is to treat uninterrupted blocks of time as treasures to guard. It clears out constant distractions and gives us the freedom to focus. We can find solace in experiences that capture our full attention." It's silly to think that there is a remedy for what came to the fore this week that doesn't require effort on my part.
Our traditio for today is The Go-Go's lockdown version of "We Got the Beat." They performed this on the Today show last year.
So glad it seems like this mess is moving behind us!
ReplyDeleteMe, too!
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