"I am my own worst enemy"

February was a month during which I had the s*#t kicked out of me. One crucial piece of the armor of God as described in Ephesians that is missing is a cup or protective codpiece. I can point to four events last month that together really shook me. It was cumulative effect, as each of these things separately, while a bit distressing, would not leave me feeling the way I felt. Looking back, last February was the beginning of what turned out to be a very difficult year. Not being superstitious, I am not worried about an exact or even similar repeat. It was interesting to notice this.

I think this adversity is helping, not hardening, me. I am grateful for the grace to be open to the needed growth that can only come from experiencing difficulties, both those I bring on myself and those that arise from nowhere. I'd be lying if I told you that there are no unguarded moments when I catch myself being angry, bitter, and a bit resentful. When I catch myself feeling that way, it is opportunity to take it to the Lord and offer it to Him all over again. At some point, I am sure I will be able to just leave it.

We sing, say, and cite the Prayer of Saint Francis ad nauseum. As it goes with everything that is overused (i.e., "thy will be done" and "our hearts are restless till they find rest in Thee, O Lord," etc.), it isn't usually taken to heart, remaining a nice sentiment in the moment. I have really been grappling with the petitions "may I not so much seek . . . to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love." This is proving to be some hard sledding.

Most Catholics are well-acquainted with the corporal works of mercy, but less so with the spiritual works of mercy. Two in particular challenge me: enduring wrongs patiently and willingly forgiving offenses. As difficult as these are for me, the lesson I am really learning so far this Lent is to be gentle and patient with myself.

Treating myself the way I want others to treat me, applying the golden rule and fostering a just love of self is my unbidden, Spirit-led, Lenten project. Gazing on myself with the same tenderness with which Christ gazes on me. I am finding this way harder than patiently enduring wrongs and forgiving others. In the face of these things, I am very quick to shame and demean myself. This starts the cycle of anger, bitterness, and resentment.

I know how unlike Christ I am. It can easily be and sometimes is discouraging. In my better moments, not being more like Him grieves me. I was very struck by the Collect for Monday of the Second Week of Lent:

O God, who have taught us
to chasten our bodies
for the healing of our souls,
enable us, we pray,
to abstain from all sins,
and strengthen our hearts
to carry out your loving commands

Trevor Hudson referred to Lent as a "time-gift." It's a time to let Christ heal my soul by the power of the Holy Spirit. A time to experience His love when I feel unloved and unloveable. No shame, no guilt, no condemnation, just pure, unbounded love, that only He can give and that I need so badly but want only intermittently.

And so, our traditio is Lit with "My Own Worst Enemy."