Moving, change, longing: thoughts from an airport

Have you ever felt as though you were going through a transition but had no idea what it might be? Perhaps it's just a desire for a change on my part. Middle age is tougher than it looks. You know, when you hit that age at which, when you were younger, you thought you'd have life pretty well worked out, the time you imagined you could start enjoying the fruits of your years of toil, personal and professional development? At least in advanced late capitalist societies, life is disruption, to use a term with a lot of currency Disruption is the norm- don't get comfortable and if you do, disrupt yourself. As a result, like a lot of Gen Xers, I often feel a little disoriented. I am not old enough to ignore a lot of things that might best be ignored. Yet, I am old enough to remember when things were quite different- in some ways better in other ways worse. It isn't simply black and white. I have to say, for someone who never really deliberately planned a career, I've done alright, I suppose, at least by external indicators. It's just difficult not to have a passion and conviction about what I do. In other words, as I grow older I circle back to the convictions of my youth: it's not the external things that matter but my heart.

Anyway, I've been traveling for work this week. I can remember when I was very young thinking how cool it would be to travel for work. Nearly 30 years in, whatever luster that idea had has more than disappeared. Work trips these days make me anxious. Being away from home and family is lonely after a day or two. At least with the benefit of internet television in most hotel rooms these days, I was finally able to watch the Coen Brothers' The Ballad of Buster Scruggs. I enjoyed it immensely. It's been a long time since I relaxed and watched something. Too long, in fact (note to self). I am excited to watch the Bob Dylan documentary!

My lovely wife and I celebrated 26 years of marriage back on 12 June. I have to say, when I travel, even just from Monday-Friday, which is most of my business travel these days (the days of extended trips is pretty well over), after 3-4 days I start to miss my wife like a lovesick teenager. Of course, this has mostly upsides but a few down sides too. Lovesick teen boys are moody. To state it frankly, I can become more than a little needy and demanding when I am in this mode. My wonderful wife takes it all in stride and knows how to manage me for the most part, even if I don't always appreciate it in the moment.

In and of itself, this week was draggiest of drags. Long days in a dark basement conference room, heat and humidity, a social event every evening (I bailed on the one for the final night, which was optional- I optioned). The social aspect is usually difficult for me because, while I am not shy, I am introverted. I suffer from social anxiety at the prospect of attending virtually any event. In an unfamiliar environment with people I don't know well or at all, this anxiety can be pretty intense. Since I don't deal with things by consuming alcoholic beverages, having given that up entirely (except for Holy Communion, of course- new wine of the kingdom?), I have to manage this. Managing social anxiety involves a process I find excruciating. Dealing with people pastorally or professionally, that is, personally presents no such issues. Dealing with people often leaves me feeling a tired, sometimes exhausted. This can be a good sort of tiredness or a frustrated exhaustion depending on circumstances.

Back to the perceived/desired transition, we'll see. I have some ideas for a change. It isn't up to me exclusively. I have a number of people who rely on me for material support (i.e., my wife and children). It's fine to leave things to God as long as I am doing my due diligence. My desire for change is not a big secret. Having just completed my DMin (Doctor of Ministry degree), I would really like to transition into full-time ministry, even if by way of doing something part-time for starters. I have a particular desire to work in the area of clergy formation, especially diaconal formation, both initial and continuing. I think it is something that is needed so very badly in the Church right now, both my local Church and the Church throughout the U.S. Who knows, like so many aspirations, perhaps it's just the vapor of a wish? Hey, it's good to have dreams, even if they're pipe dreams.

Anyway, I am looking forward to being back in the arms of my baby tonight. To that end, as I stood in line in the airport this morning headed home, I heard Jimmy Buffett singing "Come Monday." In my case, it's "Come Friday. "I spent four lonely days in a humid north Florida haze/And I just want you back by my side."

On my way.